FMF: Release

It comes creeping, slow and quiet at first. I think I should probably recognize it by now but I usually don't at the outset. It seems a small thing: a little pang, a sudden desire.

Coke becomes a need on a hectic afternoon. Snickers bars seems an all too irresistible reward for the trials and sacrifices of this life I live.

Just small things.

Suddenly, I find myself not able to shut my eyes at night and re-reading social media feeds like they might suddenly bear earth-shattering news. Watching my inbox like a hawk for bold black print. Waiting for just one more little red number.

Just a little more.

Then I am spending an hour filling a virtual shopping cart with pretty things I cannot have and cursing at my closet the next morning. I am cringing at my figure in the mirror and thinking it would all be well if I picked up new earrings or had a little time to myself or splurged on a pedicure.

If I got something more than I already have.

If I just consumed more.

And suddenly a not-so-bad need for the warm embrace of something familiar, something comforting, something soothing has bred and warped into the compulsion to consume, to fill.

And I am begging for release from its grips and cursing the weeds that have grown from the very seeds I planted and watered in my own soul.

Release me, Lord. Release from this hunger. Release me from the need. Release me from the want, from the discontent and the not enough and the do I even matter at all. Release me.

And I have to look at it face on and call it once again what it really is: the ugly straying of my wild and wandering heart.

I struggle free once again from its bonds and tether myself back to Him. The only One in whose embrace I am full, and warm, and comfortable and fully known.

Released and free. In His grasp.

Linking up at this week's FMF party.