Friday, January 13, 2012

It Wasn't The Goodbye We'd Planned

Yesterday afternoon we were supposed to take a break from our packing and preparations to have a BBQ and some fellowship with our friends before we head out.  A little "goodbye" gathering.

But on Wednesday afternoon at my doctor's appointment, we found a sweet little baby that had already left us and flown home to the Father.  So yesterday, instead of a joyful gathering of friends, we spent the day at the hospital, and, in our hearts, we bid a sad goodbye to our third sweet saint.

I have long ago given up any desire to understand the will of God. I beg Him only the grace to know His will and to do it. In the situation where we now find ourselves, there is no room for wondering. I know what I must do.  So there is only left the begging of the grace to do it.

I have been surrounded by the prayers and love of beautiful souls and the compassion of a wonderful pro-life medical team. It has been a great consolation.  But I hold in my heart the greatest of all consolations, the hope of heaven.  For I realize, that even when my body is well past the age of bearing babies, even if I should live until I am 100, always, I will be an expectant mother, until the day I hold my babies for eternity.

And the hope of that day makes the suffering and struggle and strength to do His will in the hard times all worth it.  For with every drawing near to His cross, we draw near to the glory of the Resurrection as well, and with every bowing low to His sovereignty, we come closer to bowing before His Holy Throne.

With His help and the grace won through your prayers, I will continue to count the ways He loves in the midst of the sadness, to seek joy in the midst of the pain, to trade the ashes of brokenness for the beauty of grace, and to live with expectant hope.

So goodbye for now, sweet baby...pray for us always.

27 comments:

  1. But I hold in my heart the greatest of all consolations, the hope of heaven. For I realize, that even when my body is well past the age of bearing babies, even if I should live until I am 100, always, I will be an expectant mother, until the day I hold my babies for eternity.

    I wish every mother who has ever lost a child could read these words. Their comfort is a gift. You are a gift! God bless you as you heal, sweet friend!

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  2. Colleen, our prayers are with you and your family. Grace and peace to you.

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  3. Dearest Colleen and Greg,
    Our prayers go with you on your travels; for safety, peace and joy. Daily intentions for such will be our mission at home as you venture out to do God's work. To have such Angels as you have watching over you is comforting. May you be fruitful in spirit, sharing the faith you have been called to live. We love you and travel with you in thought. Take care and Godspeed. Lynnette and Ron

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  4. and yet again, I stand in awe. As we are all walking a journey towards those great gates, Kevin and I are determined to let everything we do give glory to HIM and HIM alone. It is comforting to know those little hands will be ours to hold when the gates open and we are welcomed home. They will already know all the great places to visit, the good food to eat and where our "People" are.....Love you, G.

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  5. Dear Colleen,

    In your deep sorrow, you write so beautifully. You write in a way that sets such an example for other mothers who find themselves experiencing the same grief. You writing sets an example for all those who carry some heavy cross.

    Sending abundant prayers your way now and through the upcoming months.

    God bless!

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  6. "even if I should live until I am 100, always, I will be an expectant mother, until the day I hold my babies for eternity."

    Oh so, so, so true. Thank you for your beautiful words and witness. You are in my prayers.

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  7. Colleen,
    My prayers for you and your dear family. May God continue to hold you in the palm of His hand. Your words about losing a baby are so beautiful and true...from one expectant mother to another, hugs and love....

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  8. Dear Colleen,
    Your authenticity in your grief and your steadfast faith in God is beautiful. I'm so glad you are blogging again. Your words bless.

    Lighting a candle for you, your family, and your newest little saint.

    much love,
    Martha in VA

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  9. "For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope." Jeremiah 29:11. We are facing some struggles in our family Colleen and I always go back to this verse. It reminds me that God is always with us, carrying us through our difficult times. It's what helps me get up every morning and fall asleep at night! I am praying for you through your loss and for your mission. God is doing great work through you and your family! God Bless!

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  10. Oh Colleen.

    I have no words.

    Hugs, friend. And many, many prayers.

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  11. I'm so sorry. You write so beautifully. God keep you.

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  12. I too love the passage Charlotte highlighted. We have had four babies go on to heaven before we could meet them. I really really appreciate your term "expectant mother", it is so true and I couldn't really put words to it. Thank you for that. I am so sorry you have to suffer this loss yet. I pray for your peace of heart and mind.

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  13. Colleen,
    You can always put sentences together that are not only powerful but touching as well. I mourn with you but knowing that angel is in heaven with Paw Paw, Renie, Dottie, and of course Vencie, who is always there for the babies, gives me peace. I too like Gina stand in awe of your faith in our Lord. I love you and am here for you if you need an ear or a shoulder to cry on. I am looking forward to reading your blogs when you're away.
    Love,
    Mo

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  14. I have just begun following your journey Colleen. I will be in prayer for you - for all of you. I am so sorry for this loss and pray His grace, peace and great arms of love will surround and hold you.

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  15. I am awed by your strength and eloquence in the face of such loss. So inspiring.

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  16. You remain in my prayers, my dear friend. I love you and I'm so blessed to know you!

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  17. Oh, Colleen...

    "With His help and the grace won through your prayers, I will continue to count the ways He loves in the midst of the sadness, to seek joy in the midst of the pain, to trade the ashes of brokenness for the beauty of grace, and to live with expectant hope."

    Counting with you... loving you so deep. Oh friend...
    You shine the radiance of Christ.

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  18. Please accept my prayers for your healing, acceptance and peace.

    Sleep in heavenly peace little one.

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  19. "always, I will be an expectant mother, until the day I hold my babies for eternity."
    May God Bless you in your sorrow. I too, just lost twins in October. Your passage has given me a wonderful thing to contemplate. Thank you. I will keep you in my prayers. Blessings to you and your family.

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  20. Prayers for you. Inspired by your devotion to His will.

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  21. Oh Colleen ~ I am deeply sorry. I will be praying for you and your family. Bless you for sharing this so beautifully.

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  22. "even if I should live until I am 100, always, I will be an expectant mother, until the day I hold my babies for eternity."

    These words are so true for so many. God bless you!

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    Replies
    1. Beautiful words Colleen. I went through a miscarriage almost a decade ago and it is such an encouraging way to think about it. I am so sorry to hear your news and will keep you in prayer.

      ~Tamie

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  23. I'm so sorry Colleen. Prayers for you and your family. God Bless you!

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  24. Oh I loved the part about you always being an expectant mother. I had never thought of it like that. Thank you.

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  25. Colleen, I am so very, very sorry for your loss. What a brave and beautiful post.

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